The Myth of the “Good Daughter” & How It Keeps Women Stuck
For many South Asian women, being a “good daughter” is an identity we’ve been conditioned to uphold since childhood. It’s woven into the way we speak, the choices we make, and even how we show love. Not to mention the weight of being a “good in-law” as well.
We’re taught that to be good means to be obedient, selfless, respectful, and accommodating. It means putting family first, which is often at the expense of our own needs. But beneath that cultural value lies an unspoken cost: the quiet erasure of self.
The messaging starts very early:
“Don’t talk back.”
“What will people say?”
“She’s such a good girl — always listens and helps her parents.”
These phrases sound harmless, but they shape how we learn to belong. Many South Asian girls grow up associating love with compliance. Our worth becomes tied to how well we please others. As adults, this conditioning can turn into chronic guilt, anxiety, and burnout. You may find yourself saying yes when you want to say no, overexplaining boundaries, or feeling like you’re failing your family whenever you choose yourself. This is where the “good daughter” myth becomes dangerous! It keeps women stuck in cycles of people-pleasing and emotional exhaustion. The fear of being seen as “selfish” or “disrespectful” makes it hard to pursue authentic goals, relationships, and rest.
At Mango Grove Psychotherapy & Wellness, we often hear folks say, “I just want to be a good daughter.” But what if being a good daughter also meant being true to yourself? What if it meant:
Honouring your needs as much as others’.
Setting realistic and manageable boundaries.
Redefining respect as mutual and reciprocal.
Healing begins when we realize that goodness can involve self-awareness, compassion, and choice, and that it is not only about staying silent to keep the peace.
Do you want things to change? You don’t have to reject your culture to redefine your role within it. It’s possible to honour your family and still choose yourself. It just takes time and effort for things to change.
Here’s how to start:
Reflect: Notice the moments when you feel torn between duty and desire. What beliefs surface?
Reframe: Ask yourself — “Is this truly respect, or is it fear of disappointing someone?”
Reconnect: Build community with others who understand these dynamics. Healing in isolation is hard.
Reclaim: Allow yourself to be the daughter, woman, or person you needed growing up.
The “good daughter” myth has been about control, conformity, and survival. But you are allowed to outgrow it.
I would say that being a whole daughter — someone who honours her culture while also honouring herself — is far more powerful than being a good one.
Therapy can be a space to unpack the guilt, expectations, and generational stories that shape how you show up in your family. At Mango Grove Psychotherapy & Wellness, we support South Asian women in finding balance between cultural expectations and personal healing.
Book your free consultation call today!
