“Respect” vs. Boundaries
When Does Respect Become Obedience?
This can be such a controversial topic for folks because what someone might view as respect, another might view as fear or obedience. For others, a boundary may be viewed as disrespect. In many South Asian families, we grow up being told to “respect your elders.” It’s one of the first lessons we’re taught! We must listen, obey, and never talk back. But somewhere along the way, that lesson often becomes tangled with silence, fear, and even resentment.
We learn that “respect” means compliance, that to love is to agree, and that questioning with curiosity disrespectful. That belief follows us into adulthot and how we show up in our families, relationships, and even at work.
To clarify - respect and obedience are not the same thing.
What Respect Actually Means
Healthy respect is mutual. It’s rooted in understanding and compassion.
You can respect someone’s experience without surrendering your autonomy.
You can honour your parents’ sacrifices without repeating their mistakes.
You can care deeply without conforming completely and losing yourself in the process.
Respect becomes obedience when your needs, feelings, or opinions are consistently dismissed in the name of “keeping the peace.”
Signs You’ve Been Taught to Confuse Respect with Obedience
You feel anxious when you say “no”.
You avoid expressing disagreement to prevent tension.
You equate being a “good daughter” or “good in-law” with being selfless.
You feel guilt or shame when prioritizing your own well-being.
You find yourself overexplaining your boundaries to justify them.
At Mango Grove Psychotherapy & Wellness, we see this so often in the work that we do. Many South Asian women carry this invisible pressure. It becomes an internalized belief that love is earned through sacrifice.
In collectivist cultures, family harmony is often valued over individual expression. This can create environments where obedience is mistaken for love and silence is praised as respect. But when emotional needs go unspoken or boundaries are constantly crossed, resentment builds quietly underneath. Breaking this cycle doesn’t mean rejecting your family or culture. It means redefining what respect looks like in a healthier, more reciprocal way.
What Healthy Respect Looks Like
Listening without dismissing.
Acknowledging differences without demanding agreement.
Accepting boundaries without punishment or guilt.
Allowing room for both care and individuality.
When you start expressing your boundaries, some may interpret it as disrespect, especially if they’re not used to it. But often, it’s just a new language that your family hasn’t learned yet. That’s okay! Change takes time.
Redefining Respect in Your Healing Journey
Healing generational patterns means learning that:
You can disagree with your family and still love them.
You can set boundaries and still be respectful.
You can protect your peace and still honour your roots.
Respect doesn’t have to mean shrinking yourself to keep others comfortable. It can mean showing up as your full, authentic self with compassion, clarity, and boundaries.
For many South Asian women, the journey toward setting boundaries is layered and it is filled with guilt, confusion, and some hopeful moments of clarity. Remember that every time you choose self-respect over compliance, you are breaking a cycle.
Just because you may be perceived as disrespectful right now, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have been. Sharing how you feel and what you think is not disrespectful. It can be one of the most courageous forms of love there is.
If You’re Struggling to Navigate Family Boundaries
Therapy can help you unpack where these patterns come from and learn tools to set boundaries without guilt.
At Mango Grove Psychotherapy & Wellness, we offer trauma-informed and culturally attuned therapy for family conflict and people-pleasing in Ontario, helping South Asian women find balance between family expectations and self-respect.
Book a consultation to begin your journey toward authentic connection.
