Why Putting Your Parents First Isn’t Always Out of Love

In many South Asian families, putting your parents or elders first is not just encouraged, it’s expected. We grow up hearing messages like:
“Family comes first.”
“Don’t upset your parents.”
“Be a good child.”

And for many of us, these messages become the foundation of how we understand love, responsibility, and self-worth. But what if I were to tell you that there may be another part to this? Another possible reality? It’s possible that putting yourp arents first is not always out of love. Sometimes, it can be out of fear (fear of conflict, fear of dissapointing them, fear of being misunderstood or judged, or fear of being seen as ungrateful).

In collectivist cultures, our identities are shaped around family harmony and interconnectedness.
Children — especially daughters — are socialized to be:

• selfless

• agreeable

• emotionally responsible

• loyal at any cost

• “easy” to parent

We’re taught that a “good daughter” sacrifices her comfort, bandwidth, and dreams for the family’s needs. Sadly, when children are taught this, they start to believe that love is conditional and that it must be earned through compliance, obedience, and putting others first always. When you’ve internalized these messages for years, you might start confusing fear-based behaviours with acts of love:

1. You say yes when you’re overwhelmed — not because you want to, but because you fear disappointing them.

2. You constantly edit yourself so they don’t get upset. You are managing their emotions.

3. You abandon your own needs to avoid conflict. Avoidance feels “peaceful,” but it chips away at your self-worth.

4. You feel responsible for their happiness and reactions.

5. You hide parts of your life, identity, or truth to avoid judgment. You’ve learned to protect yourself.

When fear is driving your behaviour, it creates distance, resentment, and exhaustion.

Signs You’ve Been Taught to Put Your Parents First at the Cost of Yourself

• You feel guilty for setting boundaries

• You over-explain or justify your decisions

• You feel responsible when your parents are upset

• You prioritize their needs over your mental and emotional wellbeing

• You feel like a “bad child” when you choose yourself

• You struggle to make decisions without imagining their reaction

Love in a healthy parent-adult child relationship is mutual, reciprocal and will grow and evolve with time. “Healthy” love includes open and honest communication and makes room for disagreements. There are clear boundaries in place that serve to protect the relationship. There is trust and respect for your autonomy. This kind of love will not make you feel like you have to abandon yourself. It makes room for compassion and curiosity and will not force you to be or do anything you don’t want to. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to stop performing a version of yourself that seems to be convenient for everyone else but keeps you small.

Healing generational patterns means understanding that:

You can love your parents deeply and disagree with them.
You can honour your culture without sacrificing yourself.
You can care for your family without carrying their emotional needs.
You can remain connected without staying small.

Your parents may not have had access to different ways of relating, but you do!

At Mango Grove Psychotherapy & Wellness, we help South Asian women untangle the difference between love, fear, duty, and guilt so they can show up in their families with clarity and authenticity. You don’t have to choose between your culture and your wellbeing. You can hold both with boundaries that honour your values and your healing.

If you’re navigating this journey, book a consultation to begin your healing with culturally attuned, trauma-informed support in Ontario.