Losing Yourself in Love
There’s a quiet kind of disappearing that doesn’t look like loss at first. You start by compromising in our relationship because that’s what a healthy relationship looks like, right? It’s good to be '“easy going,” isn’t it? At first, you’re choosing the restaurant that they like, laughing at jokes that just don’t quite land, and from there you’re slowly editing yourself until you fit more neatly into a box that you think is expected of you. You’re a shape-shifter! It just means you can adapt to any situation, right? This seems to be commonly taught in South Asian homes - especially to daughters.
You’ve grown up in a house where you were taught to be respectful, accommodating, adjusting… You were taught it was never okay to talk back, and that family comes first. A lot of us were not even allowed to THINK about dating or romance growing up. But then, all of a sudden, you’re getting asked when you’re getting married?!
Most of us haven’t really learned about what a healthy partnership can look like, and we have not had many conversations about what healthy relationships look like either. Nor do we really learn about any red flags in relationships that are important to look out for.
So when love enters the picture, it doesn’t feel unnatural to bend. It feels like something you’ve been practicing your whole life.
Kind of like how you’ve shown up with your family, you stop bringing up certain topics because they “never go well” with your partner. Maybe you start softening your opinions to avoid tension. You start compromising on the things that you like and enjoy for things that they like and enjoy. You tell yourself: this is what it means to be in a partnership. To some extent, that’s true. Relationships do ask for flexibility and it is normal and okay that relationships ask us to consider someone beyond ourselves. It’s important to note, though, that you are allowed to draw a line. But the problem is, no one has taught you where that line is.
“Good daughters” are taught that keeping the peace is more important than expressing discomfort. As you, the “good daughter,” get older and start dating, you naturally become a “good partner”. Being a good partner is great! You notice that it seems to help your relationship work, so you keep adjusting. Until one day, you notice something small but unsettling…You don’t quite know what you like anymore. Your preferences feel fuzzy. Your world might even feel smaller. And the wild thing is that it’s not that your partner asked you to shrink or stay quiet. You offered pieces of yourself up bit by bit because it felt easier than holding your ground.
No one here is to blame. Many South Asian women are raised to be deeply attuned to others, to anticipate needs, to smooth over conflict before it fully forms. It makes you thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, and incredibly giving. However, if it lacks intention, it becomes dangerously easy to abandon yourself in the process. Losing yourself in a relationship doesn’t happen in one dramatic moment. You might ask yourself, “How did I let this happen?” but that question suggests that you are at fault. Instead, ask yourself, “Where did I learn that my needs take up too much space?”
I know this feels like this is about your relationship (it is), but it’s also about family systems, cultural expectations, and the pride that comes from being “the one who holds everything together.”
As you’re reading this, you might have the urge to swing to the opposite extreme and want to refuse compromise. I get it! But you don’t have to go to that extreme and close yourself off. Instead, take some time to think about what you liked, what your preferences are, and what your body is signaling to you. There’s a version of you that existed before all the adjusting. She’s still there, and she is waiting for the small moments where you choose yourself, even if your voice shakes a little. You can care, low, and compromise without losing yourself.
You can stay rooted in who you are, even as you grow alongside someone else.
Take a few minutes today and ask yourself:
Where have I been shrinking to keep the peace?
What have I stopped expressing that used to feel natural to me?
What is one small thing I can do this week that feels more like me?
Don’t overthink it. Just write it down! It doesn’t have to be perfect.
And if you’re in a space where you’re ready to explore this more deeply through therapy, we are here to help! Book a free phone consultation with one of our therapists today to learn more. Or, take the therapist match quiz and one of our team members will be in touch with you!
